Working as a Dominatrix, woman shares her experiences

Working as a Dominatrix, woman shares her experiences

Read Time:11 Minute, 19 Second

For starters, a Dominatrix is a woman who takes the dominant role in BDSM activities. A dominatrix might be of any sexual orientation, but their orientation does not necessarily limit the genders of her submissive partners. [Wikipedia]

A woman who has been a dominatrix for over 5 years shares her experience, regrets and fun times.

At the age of 34, I was interviewed for the post of dominatrix at a well-known BDSM dungeon in New York City. During that interview, I lied. Quite a bit.

I had no intention of revealing that I was there to produce a documentary on the ladies and men who live in the fascinating clandestine world of BDSM. 

For the record, we weren’t underground; we were on the second story of a midtown Manhattan office building, a great spot for guys to come in for a quick domination session first thing in the morning, during their lunch breaks, or directly after work.

My ingenious master plan was to gain access to dominatrixes and their clients in order to learn about the day-to-day operations of a reputable BDSM dungeon (a legal business in New York state). 

I planned to work here for a few weeks before moving on to make my documentary, which would premiere at the prestigious Sundance Film Festival and make me the town’s toast.

I would have laughed if someone had told me that this 10-minute interview would transform my life forever.

I can still feel my heart racing as I rang the doorbell and waited for the manager, a middle-aged woman, to open the door and let me in.

I paused as I entered the space to take a glance around. The “dungeon” was just another workplace like any other I’d ever visited or worked in. I had worked roughly 15 various jobs up to that point in my life, including sales, manning the register at a bakery, working as a secretary at a PR business, and a couple of waitressing stints while studying to be an actress.

 I was expecting to walk into a room with chains, whips, and other forms of torture, but instead, I found myself in an ordinary waiting room with cheap art on the walls, a small locker room, and a coffee machine.

The manager questioned my accent, height, and shoe size while holding my New York state ID. I was offered a job and asked to choose a dominatrix name less than 10 minutes into the interview.

I changed my name from Stavroula to Mistress Kassandra three days after the interview – much easier to remember and say, right?

 My alter ego let me wear fierce red lipstick, high heels, and clothes that made me feel like a million bucks, from leather pencil skirts and corsets to vinyl dresses and catsuits, expensive nun and nurse costumes, and even turtlenecks and tuxedo pants that completely covered my body and left nothing to the imagination.

More importantly, I felt in total control of my body. Mistress Kassandra was powerful, unapologetic, vicious, sweet, innocent, and dirty. When I was her, I could be anything I wanted to be and didn’t have to explain myself to anyone. Not only that, but this newfound power and confidence in myself were celebrated, respected and very well-compensated.

What documentary? I was hooked on being a dominatrix and there was no going back.

One of the first things I learned at my new job was that men of all ages, social classes, and religious and ethnic backgrounds found the dungeon to be the only place they felt safe enough to take off their mask, remove their armour and reveal their vulnerabilities, traumas and pain, in an effort to heal and become better men. The surrender of their minds and souls was, and still is, one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life.

And it was all happening at the hands of powerful women.

When we hear the word “dominatrix,” we tend to think of men being tortured by thin, beautiful white women with dark hair, dressed top to bottom in leather. Here’s the truth: The women at my new job came in all shapes, sizes, skin colours, ethnicities and ages. They were married, single had children, went to school to get their master’s, etc.

Some of them were honest with their families about the work they did; most of them kept it a secret since people’s ignorance usually leads to judgment. Every single one of these women was spectacular in her own way and I realized soon enough that I was going to learn a lot from them. I was, and still am, in awe of any woman who does this job and knows how to do it well.

Working at the dungeon was very much like any other job when it came to scheduling, showing up on time, signing off at the end of the day, keeping the space clean, treating the clients and co-workers with respect, hanging out in the break room when it wasn’t busy, etc.

We worked eight-hour shifts but we only made money when we booked a session. When a client booked one of us for one-hour domination, the house would get $240 and the dominatrix would get $80 out of that plus whatever the client tipped if he tipped at all.

We had clients who would come in for a quick half-hour session ― the rate for that was $150 and the dominatrix would get $50. The manager would keep track of all the sessions and we got paid every Friday morning.

Making $80 in one hour or even $50 in 30 minutes was great for me, but for the women who had to pay their mortgages, kids’ tuitions or student loans, this money wasn’t enough.

There were times when we had close to 20 dominatrixes working the same shift and most of them never really made any money. Some chose to stick around and see if something would change; others quit after a week or two.

Then we had the ones who’d show up for a shift even on their days off because they had nothing better to do. The dungeon had become their comfort zone and something like a second family.

Privacy is the No. 1 priority when it comes to this job. I have yet to meet the man who is confident enough to admit that he sees a dominatrix. We also had some pretty powerful and well-known men who would frequent the dungeon for a good punishment session. So the doorbell had a legit company’s name written on it, and the manager on duty was the only person buzzing people in, checking the cameras and welcoming them at the main door.

The rest of us knew to stay put and not exit whatever room we were in till the client was sitting nervously behind the closed door of an available room.

Some of the clients would call in advance to book their dominatrix, but others wanted to meet the new girls. I felt the most nervous as I was walking down the hallway and heading into the room; I never knew who was waiting to meet Mistress Kassandra behind that door ― and what if it happened to be someone I knew? Once I saw that it was a complete stranger, I was relieved and very interested to get to know them.

I always let them know that they could tell me anything they were feeling in the moment and I would listen and help them without judging them. Men are full of feelings, insecurities and sensitivities. And that’s OK.

A big kudos to the men who are brave enough to deal with their own shit, even if that is inside the four walls of a dungeon!

In between sessions, I’d ask the other dominatrixes to show me how to use the electric chair and the humiliator, how to crack the whip or work the pizzle, how to set the tone for the session, how to do piercings (yikes at first, but then I loved it!), how to spank the right way and how to make these fancy knots you see in bondage-related images — single column tie, double column tie, zip snare!

I wanted to play with every toy and experience every type of play allowed while keeping in mind that safety and consent are the two most important things when it comes to being a great dominatrix.

Most of my clients were smart, kind, respectful, vulnerable, decent men looking for an experience they couldn’t have with their “other half.” Many of them were single men and, I have to admit, there were a couple of guys I fantasized about meeting outside of work.

Of those who were married, the majority didn’t see their visit to the dungeon as cheating since there is no actual sex involved.

Still, this job is sexual by nature. Some clients would reach orgasm through masturbation at the end of the session but only after asking my permission to do so.

At the same time, many men chose another type of release: speaking about their emotions without censoring themselves, crying or asking to be hugged. If they wanted a hug, or to kiss your hands and feet to show you their gratitude, they had to ask for permission to do so.

Some of the more popular sessions involved bondage and discipline (plenty of men need to be tied up in order to connect with their emotions and let it all out), brain fade (any type of psychological play that keeps the male in a submissive state), CBT (cock and ball torture), corporal punishment (caning, flogging, paddling), cross-dressing (so many men want to act and dress like women!), foot worship and/or worship of the feminine divine, animal play (some men identify with dogs and ponies and love being trained and treated like them), asphyxiation using gas masks, mummification (using a body bag or plastic wrap) and one of my most favourite ones … complete surrender.

These men are sick and tired of being in charge, but they can’t be anybody else in the outside world because they’d stand to lose everything. So, for one or two hours every week, they’d come to me and surrender their egos, their pride, their bullshit, their beliefs and their wearable wealth from their Rolex watch to their Gucci leather loafers.

Seven out of 10 times they’d cry by the end of the session and, for me, that was when they were the manliest. I also loved this type of play because it taught me to trust my gut again, something I did as a little kid but was taken from me as I grew older and was conditioned to second-guess myself.

Inside the dark rooms of a BDSM dungeon, where all the noise is shut out, I’d get to silence the noise in my head. I’d forget about the clock ticking, the things people expected of me and all my obligations. I’d put away my phone, just like my clients did the second they walked into the room.

I learned to be present at the moment where the only thing that mattered was the freedom to express myself and connect from an authentic place to the other person in the room.

And, for the first time in many, many years, I was listened to without being interrupted, without any objections and with genuine interest from my clients who wanted to know what I wanted, what I thought and why. I raised my voice and it was OK to do so. I released my anger and frustrations and guess what? Nothing. Terrible. Happened.

Here I was, a 34-year-old woman who was rediscovering herself and healing the wounds she never knew she had, all while making close to $2,000 a week; many of my clients were very generous when it came to tipping for helping them experience something new and reach a whole other level of consciousness.

Meanwhile, they were the ones helping me.

At the end of my second week at work, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed something different about me. I stood taller. I felt in control. I realized that I had started walking more slowly, apologizing less, breathing easier, sleeping better and smiling only when I truly felt like it.

The men I dominated helped me tap into my power source by simply reminding me that I had every right to do so. Hearing this day in and day out worked miracles on me.

My two weeks at the dungeon turned into two months, and then I went on to work as an independent dominatrix for a little over five years. Working as an independent dominatrix is a whole other ball game and it comes with many dangers and risks. It made me wiser and taught me how to protect myself.

I never made my documentary, but I am currently developing a reality series and writing a nonfiction book about my experiences.

As an actress, writer and director, I felt a tremendous need to share my story in my own terms in hopes that it would help people realize that we are all broken one way or another, and that we all have the same desires and needs — starting with the need to connect and to be accepted for who we truly are.

 

About Post Author

Bongo Ideas

Blogger || Content Creator || SMM || Influencer || Critic || Journalist || PR ||
Happy
Happy
0 %
Sad
Sad
0 %
Excited
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
Angry
0 %
Surprise
Surprise
0 %

Average Rating

5 Star
0%
4 Star
0%
3 Star
0%
2 Star
0%
1 Star
0%

Leave a Reply

Full List of winners at VGMA23 Previous post Full List of winners at VGMA23
Kendrick Lamar Drops new song "The HEART Part 5", first video out Next post Kendrick Lamar Drops new song “The HEART Part 5”, what the symbolism means